Casual Friday

Big Fish

Growing up in a small farm town outside of Belfast in Northern Ireland was eventful in itself, so the thought of life beyond climbing trees and jumping bales of hay on a self-customized bicycle rarely entered my mind. At least it did not take any form of pre-eminence in my mind until I began grammar school (a posh, all boys, high school) located in Belfast City centre. I think it was the reality of commuting downtown everyday that opened my eyes to a bigger world and a bigger pool to swim in. I had been a big fish in a small town and quickly became a small fish in a big city. I started in a school with no one who knew my name mixed in a classroom of young boys who came straight from prep school. It did not take long to me to realize that I was out of my depth and quickly gained the nickname of Dozy Dowds.

Being an outsider and without some of the prior knowledge of the subjects led me to rely on other skills to get by. I became the prankster, did not take school work serious and determined myself to prove everyone wrong while blazing my own path towards success. The paradigm for success for me was immature and materialistic in form but it was a useful motivator to endure school and get a job. I left school at 16 years old with a clear path of where I wanted to be and what I wanted to posses by the age of 21.

Just before I turned 21 I had already achieved all of my goals only to ask myself the question - Why? The emptiness of this success led me to a deeper inner dialogue. I began wonder who I was and what I had been put on the earth for. I began to wonder what my contribution was. I began to wonder if there was more than what I was experiencing. I was left with a cry in my heart that said there must be more than this. I began a new pursuit with no less vigor; a spiritual quest of sorts that led me to inquire of God why I had been born.

My experiences of God over the following years led me into a new vocation. I left the business world and became a minister who had a deep compassion for people and their quest for meaning. I had a story to tell and I told it to as many people as I had opportunity. These were many wonderful years of my life when I saw many people come alive and experience more of the world around them. The more I worked with people, the more I realized I was inadequately equipped to work at the level I desired and see the needed healing and discovery in their lives. I traveled to many countries in the world to see who was doing what within the churched demographic. I deeply believed there was a way for people to be free to live in a way that was unique to them but most of what I saw was a sub-culture of people who had lost the meaning of their religion. This led me into a season of disorientation and chaos. A lot of the people around me did not understand what was going on inside of me at the time and made sweeping judgments on my character and steadiness. This hit me hard and I resigned from my role as a minister only to wonder what I would do with my life and how I would carry the equal financial load in the household with my new wife. I hid from the conflict and comforted myself with the pleasure of a mild depression which I acknowledge now but was is denial off then.

My wife suggested we emigrate and start a new life somewhere else. She had mentioned this almost a year before I woke up to it being a great idea. I got offered a job in a big church on the west coast of Canada. I took the job and we moved within a few months. We were there only several months before realizing that I did not want to work in a church again. I had taken the job to start again but had forgotten that I did not want to work in this career any longer. Grass was not any greener on the other side. My deep frustration opened me up to dreams of a more exciting nature. I began to dream of new ventures I could start, of other people I could help and of how we could shape the world we lived in. I began to do other things outside of my job as a minister in a church but was widely misunderstood. I tried to explain to some folks about my good intentions and desire to live out my Christian faith in a more significant way but it was deemed as the disguise of an unhealthy drive for money. I was told that I could not serve two masters and had to make a choice. I continued along the path of an entrepreneur starting businesses and helping others do the same by incubating their ideas. Some of it worked and some of it failed. Some people got helped and some people got hurt. More conflict arose and I was at the end of my rope. I called for help and a friend from England suggested I meet with a therapist/coach he knew.

I knew I needed help as some things I had faced before I was facing again. I could not travel to the far side of the world without them resurfacing in my life. It was hard for me to face up to my need as I had learned to pull myself above every situation with sheer determination and will. For the sake of my sanity, my marriage and by this time family, I reached out to someone who could help me. I called the person my friend had recommended. He flew over from London and met me and helped me work through many of the situations I was facing. He helped me to see the part I had played in the drama and helped me look at things from the desires and intentions of others. He helped me to reframe what I saw and it opened my eyes to new possibilities. He helped me to understand the various perceptions of others and how to navigate the conflict. Before long I was facing people instead of hiding from them or blaming them. I was asking more questions than making statements. I began to have a more appropriate relationship to my opinions and saw new opportunities for learning and discovery.

I moved to Toronto and continued my journey of discovery and healing. I started taking classes in Neuro-Linguistic-Programming and in Bioenergetic-Analysis. This not only changed my life but gave me tools to work with people. It helped me work with people in the way I had previously desired. I began to come out of my cocoon as a new being with a whole new view on the world. I began to help and coach people in the workplace instead of caring for people in a church. I found this more fulfilling and I realized that for me it was a better fit. I could help people see what they could bring and how they could make the world a better place. I began to see people overcome barriers and deal with hidden fears. I saw people talk who had been long silent. What I had received was more than personal healing. It was a gift for others.

I have always had a weird sense of knowing things when dealing with other people. I could in some strange way tell them everything about themselves. It was like a party trick. As much as this ability had been helpful it had also been a hindrance as I would miss much of the beauty of the person in front of me. After a while, however, I began listening to people instead of reading them. I became curious again. The one with all the answers had all of a sudden more questions. Instead of seeking for all the answers this time I chose to live in a greater sense of wonder.

The possibility of becoming a corporate coach excited me and I began to dream of how it could change the business world to become a healthier place to work in and enjoy. The enjoyment of learning various disciplines of therapy opened me up to more learning about how the brain and body work together. A new vision became clear. I wanted people to find their niche and enjoy work again. I began to believe that if business leaders listened to their staff and served their ideas, the corporate world could become a fun, unpredictable and passionate place to work in again.

As I studied more I wanted to learn about adult transition, career planning, needs assessment, and performance management. This in turn led me to study Industrial/Organizational Psychology in the hope that I would become better equipped to do what I love; setting people free to contribute from their place of uniqueness.

posted by Mark Dowds @ Sunday, January 09, 2005